Today I had my first taste of the “enhanced security measures” as I returned from “The Clampets move to Tennessee; Part 1”. I would have elected to have the body search but because traffic held us up I didn’t want to risk missing the flight.
In front of me was an activated National Guard soldier in uniform on his way to Atlanta, then Baltimore, then the war. I was next, used my retired Military ID, and told them I had 2 rods in my back and was wearing a back brace. We were followed by an elderly couple in their 70s if not older. We all took off our shoes, except the soldier as they are exempt, and proceeded into the full body scanner one at a time. With the exception of the old man that made up half of the elderly couple we were all pulled aside.
The soldier didn’t know that the military issue laptop in his bag had to be pulled out to be scanned. I was told I had suspicious back brace…duh I told them I was wearing it and showed it to them under my sweatshirt before I ever got in the scanner. The little old lady it appears was the lucky winner of a random body search. All she was worried about was that someone reassures her husband who has early stage Alzheimer’s disease and tell him she’d be right back. The soldier’s laptop was scanned, they tested my brace and hands for explosives residue and the patted down the old lady. One of the TSA guys looked at the three of us and remarked how “it wasn’t that bad, was it?” I looked at him and said, “I’ve deployed to both wars we are currently engaged in and don’t remember us fighting anyone that looks like someone in this group but thanks, I feel much safer now.” I don’t think he understood I was being facetious.
I am a big believer in the Constitution, much more so than some of friends. I, as my military friends, swore to support and defend the Constitution…with our lives if necessary. I am thankful that we have people like Larry Flynt, Collin v Skokie, and the people protesting military funerals…no matter how disgusting they might be, since they stand up for our rights. I am not willing to risk getting arrested, fined, or being put on a no fly list, but clearly being randomly selected is not “probable cause for search”. As an aside to those males who plan to get the body search out of protest during the Thanksgiving travel season…may I recommend a Viagra 30 minutes to an hour prior just to add to the embarrassment? I know there will be a shortage of bathrooms on the other side but if you are going to protest you might as well make it awkward.
Here is my idea. Hot TSA inspectors. Like a photo menu you see the picture of the inspector you want to search you. To avoid embarrassment they should be nude. It would be hard to be embarrassed when the inspector is in a more embarrassing situation than the traveler. This way we could pick someone who would clearly not be interested in us in a sexual way. After all, what would a hot 20 year old blond, wearing nothing, find remotely appealing about a middle aged, married, gray headed, slightly overweight man wearing old people clothes? People not happy with the nudity need extra screening…if you catch my drift.
